Friday, May 06, 2005

Continental Drift

What do you want?


I was walking my dogs this morning and thinking about who I am, where I am in my life and what I want. It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately, well, usually. More so recently though.

I could dig up my diploma from my graduate program, and find the exact date, but that seems like too much trouble. And I'm not sure I want to know, exactly. But, it's very close to a year since I finished that program. And I still don't have a job in the field.

Part of it, I know, is relocating to a city in which I knew exactly two people when I got here. One of them was my girlfriend, Jennifer, and the other was my friend, Dave. Dave moved here roughly 10 years ago. About a year after that, he called me in L.A. to say he was out.

Me: "Out? Where? Do you need a ride? Why didn't you tell me you were coming to L.A.?"

Dave: "No, OUT. I'm gay."

Me: "Oh, well, of course you're gay. Awesome! Are you O.k.? Do your folks know? Any of the rest of our gang from back home? Blah, blah, blah."

Anyway, my professional network here is tiny compared to what it was in Texas. And I think that's been a large measure of the trouble I've had finding something I want to do. The other part is, I don't think I really want to work in the field of my Masters degree.

I got the degree, primarily because I got into the school I wanted to attend. And because, if one gets an opportunity like that, I don't think one should probably turn it down. But I only applied because I had a really good entrance score. And I only took that test to see if I was as smart as everyone else seems to think I am.

Really, how many times can you be told, "I don't think you're living up to your full potential," before you start asking what that potential is? So I wanted to find out if I was as smart as people society identifies as "smart."

And apparently I am, but it seems to have nothing to do with employable.

So, since I got here, I've been wondering what I really want. And more so lately, because I know it's NOT to keep doing the useless retail jobs I currently have. I'm capable of so much more. The other people I read all seem to be excited about their careers.

I'm having a really hard time imagining doing almost anything, that I will still want to be doing in 20 years. How the hell did our parents ever manage to do the same thing, day in and day out for their whole lives?

Add to that, my 20 year reunion should be this summer. I don't give a fuck what the people I spent my days with 20 years ago think. I just can't fathom how it's possible that they have homes and cars and kids and have had the same jobs for that 20 years. And I'm still looking for some kind of work that gives me more than just money.

Hell, right now, I'd probably just settle for money.

But what do I want? What do I want my life to look like? When I'm MUCH older, how do I want to look back on the period that follows this time where I'm sorting things out?

I know that I want to help people. And I also know that's too generic to be of much use. What people? Help how?

To date, I've been fairly satisfied with asking questions that I think are important for everyone to answer of the people who have crossed my path.

Maybe the two things have nothing to do with each other. Maybe I'm trying to make a connection where none exists.

I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet. I probably won't today.

But here's are some of the questions I think people should be thinking about:

Who are you? What are you ABOUT? What do you want for yourself? Who do you love? Do they know? Why not?

I guess that's it for now. I have an interview for a six month contract gig with a VERY big company at 3:00. I'm not even sure how to prep for it.

Have a good weekend!


At 8:53 PM, Anonymous marcus said...

What do you want for yourself?

i think that is the most interesting question that you posed. its interesting to me because it is an extremely CULTURAL question: whole societies in other parts of the world would NEVER think such a thing. also, of course, its interesting because we in the united states of me*, do. we dwell on it.

(*partial credit to louis xiv)

so there's where i come in. dwelling on that q.

fact is, the answer often changes. at times in my adult life, the answer has been one of the following:

to have fun
to have money
to have my child be healthy
to be in love
to have more friends
to have more sex
to have a good career
to be happy
to be handsome
to be healthy
to travel
to have more free time
to live somewhere else

i'll bet you can relate to many of these, colton. in fact i'll bet many people can relate.


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