You can't go back...

O.k., so here's something.

I sat down to do this earlier and had... nothing. Except apathy. So I couldn't really get started. Then I talked to Maddie about a comment she received on her blog. And her response. Which made me think I should just read her response. Which I have now done. And decided to respond.

So I guess I'm in the water. More than just my toe. I think this, my secret blog was dipping my toe in. Now I've responded with my gmail address. And probably soon, Maddie will somehow find this on the web and read it. Or maybe someday soon I'll tell her. And then she can link to my site, and this "Jack" person in Austin can read my account of our (Maddie's and mine) story. That, of course, would mean that I had to write down my version of what happened. Except it isn't any damn different. So I don't know what the point would be. On her blog, my history with Maddie falls under "Stop the World" and "Melt with You." And I wouldn't have it any other way. And recapping it, would either expose me as a talentless hack, as my version would inevitably suffer by comparison, or well, mostly it's that. Actually, I think it's all that. And that I'm too lazy to write something that's already been written better than I think I could write it. So I won't. You want to read it, go look it up.

But I think that brings me to where we're at now. Maddie and I, I mean. I absolutely adore her. I like her whole family. Her folks are great. Seriously - how many parents do you know that would NEVER have made you feel bad for leading her daughter to be arrested at 13? I can say I was terrified the next time I went by her house after that episode. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After that summer I did go to college. And then Maddied moved. So we didn't see each other again until I was crossing the country on my way back home. That part's been covered already. After THAT, the last call I remember getting was about her fabulous new boyfriend, whom I believe she refers to as "Craig" on her blog. She told me he was MUCH older (which was funny because I'd always thought of myself as MUCH older), and that he was smart, and amazing in bed.

I was disappointed, of course, that I hadn't been better in bed when I was with her, but was really happy that she'd found someone that she could be excited enough to travel back and forth across the country to spend time with. Then, nothing...

Until she e-mailed me, which, again is covered in her writing. And again, pretty much exactly as I remember it. We speak a few times a week, and she tells me about her life, and I bitch about mine, and I'm frequently amazed that this girl, this fragile, little, wannabe vixen, who was trying so desperately to be grown up and tough when she was 13 has so fully come into her own. She's made choices, and very hard choices at that. And accepted the consequences, and decided what's important to her, and chased down those things that are consequential in her life. She's had two beautiful boys with someone who seems too dumb to realize how good he had it - or was incapable of believing that he had it as good as he did.

In short, she's better in real life than she appears on her blog. So much so.

And I'm not worried. I don't think I COULD be worried about her, because she's so, capable. Having said that, I'm conflicted about even writing the next few paragraphs that want to come out of me. But, having written that, I'm sure to write them.

I'm concerned. Not about the sex. Again, she's terrifically capable. And responsible, as I have found single mothers to be. I know how much Jefferson means to her. I also know she feels strongly about Marcus. And I know the geography of all of it is really just a detail. The connection that has been written about is much bigger than a continent, and I get the sense they all respect that. I haven't read Marcus blog. I'm sure he's got one, but I know it's Jefferson she wants, even though it's Marcus who can travel and will spend the weekend with Maddie on the plains.

I know that Jefferson is smart - and I'll give you a HALLELUJAH! if that fella hasn't worked out a sex life I'd be happy to step into. Other than the bi part. Hell, I might as well cover that now... True, I did kiss a boy the last time I saw Maddie. And in recent discussions with her, she's tried to convince me that I'm a "top" and probably bi. I've confided that under the right conditions, I could probably let a guy go down on me. And might even be able to fuck one.

But I'm not sure that's true. I WANT to be openminded enough to believe that the gender of the person I fall in love with wouldn't matter - but I just don't think it's true. I like women. All the ones I've met anyway. And could probably have slept with even the ones I found personally abhorrent. Just because a girl is a bitch doesn't mean she's unfuckable. Being stupid kind of guarantees that I won't be interested, but being a bad person doesn't. But a dude? The idea of a penis in my mouth is just repellent. I think that's why I'm so thrilled with getting blowjobs - because I'd never give one. And I'm dying to try anal. With a GIRL. I love eating pussy. I can't wait to try Jefferson's technique, as I've read it for G-spot massage. But a dude? I don't see it. I don't even want to.

And that makes me feel a little less open minded. Which I don't really like about myself - but it IS honest. So that's how it is.

But I've digressed, which I imagine if you're still reading you've noticed I do. I'll probably continue to do so, because it also seems to be who I am, as distracting as I'm sure it "reads." Sorry. Anyway - I was getting to the point about which I wrote before I wasn't sure I'd be writing down.

I'm not completely sold on Jefferson. And it's not jealousy. Of COURSE I'm jealous that he's fucking Maddie and everyone else and I'm not. But that's o.k. - I have a girlfriend that I love, and have chosen to be with knowing that would preclude me from Maddie's bed. It also means I won't be having any kind of sex with anyone else while we're together. And I'm o.k. with that even if it means the rest of my life. I think. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm o.k. with it. I'm definitely o.k. with it today.

But I'm not sure. I know how she feels about him. And I am so genuinely excited that she gets to feel that way. It's about the best thing in the world, in my opinion. That hope. It's better than sex. It lasts longer anyway.

I'm reading his blog, though, and loving the idea of the parties, and the descriptions of them and I'm glad that he can be a good dad, and is managing his relationship with his ex-wife, and daughter's mother and his job and still manages all that sex. Amazing. It literally gives me hope.

Sometimes though, and this seems so unfair. Let me discuss why I think what I'll eventually get around to saying seems unfair first. Maddie and I had this discussion on the phone today, in fact, about the guy in Austin commenting on her post. I've been told, or read somewhere that 80% of communication is non-verbal. So when someone is reading something like this, it's hard to be sure you're understanding exactly what is intended. Especially if you don't know the people. A lot of this confusion is mitigated when the writer and reader are both very articulate. I believe all the people I've discussed in this post, including myself are not just very articulate, but probably substantially more so than most. For my part, on standardized tests, I regularly score in the 99th percentile on the verbal sections. From reading them, I believe Maddie and Jefferson are probably more articulate than I am. It's possible that I'm just confusing that with their being better writers, but I am confident that at worse they are AS articulate as I am. And it's still a strong possibility that I misinterpret some of their writing.

Having said all of that - here it is. Sometimes Jefferson reads kind of smug. Or maybe it's faintly elitist. I don't know. A specific example is in a discussion he has at a dinner of some kind with an attorney. I've read his whole blog, and am too lazy to try to find it now, and I admit that. As I remember reading it though, it seems he was anticipating what the attorney would say. It also seemed that he felt the attorney was going to try to paint him into a corner with regard to politics or some similar nonsense, and more than anything I think I didn't like the presumption that he knew it all. Exactly where the conversation would lead, etc. Another is how he deals with May, who does seem to be a needy pain in the ass. I don't think I disagree so much with him about what she wants and his being clear with her.

I think he sometimes writes as if he knows every damn thing. And even if he does, literally know EVERY thing, I think I'd like him a little more if he could pretend he didn't. Of course now I'm thinking someday he'll end up reading this, and responding with something like "No, it's not that, it's something else" that will make perfect sense, and I'll feel like a schmuck. And the sentence IMMEDIATELY preceding this one is me doing exactly the kind of thing that I don't like when he does.

So who the fuck do I think I am? I know who I am, actually. And who that is, is someone with some flaws that I think need working on. And I think that I've finally figured out what it is that keeps me from really giving the fairly easy "Colton seal of approval" to Jefferson - even as I'm aware that nobody really needs it. It stems from my belief that no one is perfect. Not from that idea that if I'm not, no one can be. Not at all. More from the idea that there is always something that one can be working on. I'm still trying to be as honest with myself as I am with my friends. I'd also like to care a little less (and I don't care much, but I think I'd like not to care at all) about being liked. And more than anything else, I think, what I'd like from my very dear friend's online boyfriend is to suggest that he's not perfect.

Which I realize is of course, stupid. It's his life and his blog. And he doesn't even know me. And before I was all wrapped up in monogamy, I'd have LOVED to be invited to one of his parties, even if I'd have felt out of place as the token "straight guy."

I think I'd just feel he was more "real" if I could hear about something he was struggling with. And not something ultrafabulous like "I'm struggling to divide my time between helping the homeless poor and ending hunger in Africa."

I don't know - does any of that make sense?

posted by Colton @ 9:35 AM