You can't go back...

First Time

O.k., so fuck it, I guess. I've been trying to think of something special to initiate this - but like many of my girl friends have told me about their first time, I'm bored with waiting for something to happen. I'm gettin' in the mix. Who knows what will come of it, but really, what do I have to lose anyway?

So I'm Colton Johnson. Well, I'm not really, but in the interest of protecting my privacy, it's who I am. Maddie already called me Colton on her blog, and Johnson, well, I've got one. A big one. Or so I've been told. But how the hell would I know? I mean, it's not like I expect a young lady to say "Wow! Small dick!" It could very well be just a throwaway compliment that everyone gets. And does it matter, really? I mean, if I were a woman, or girl or whatever, I think it would matter. But I'm not. I'm a man. Or trying to be. And part of what I'm sure this will end up being about is how I define what it is to be a man, and a good man at that. And I don't want to gloss over the distinction between "girl" and "woman" either. I'm not sure I know the difference, myself. I think, like the difference between being a boy, a guy, or a man, it's probably the state of mind of the individual. It's definitely subjective.

I don't think I've always done a terrific job of being a man, even though I'm 37 and was married. Like many of my friends, I seem somewhat stuck in "guyville." Being stuck there probably wouldn't be so bad, if Liz Phair were there.

Yeah, I know, I'm kind of all over the place. It probably makes this fairly hard to read. Sorry about that, gang. I'M kind of all over the place, and I've always been told to sound like myself when I write, so it shouldn't be surprising. I hope it's not off-putting.

So anyway, I'm writing. It's a start. And I don't know what will come of this particular "set" of writings. The stuff you find here, I mean. Maddie will probably figure out that I'm writing at some point. And I've alluded to it in a discussion with another girl/woman, that I haven't made up a name for yet. O.k., now I have. I'll call her "Linda." We kissed once. And we've always had this really good sexual energy that's been bubbling under the surface, but for that one night we kissed, when we discussed the energy that we had, and decided it would be best if we didn't act on it.

And this isn't really going at all the way I planned. I've already mentioned two women. And I think, for now, I'm going to just fudge the difference and let you all know that until further notice, I'll just be using the terms interchangeably. I don't know - I guess I'll just stick with the thought that I was on, and if it's not going where I wanted it to, or thought it might, I'll just try to have some faith that eventually I'll cover what it was I was going to get to. And now I'm ending sentences with prepositions. Mrs. Thames would be spinning in her grammar library I'm sure. Oh well.

So anyway, after we decided not to kiss, and then did, and I liked it, I was invited back to Linda's house for more, something. And I really, DID want to go, but didn't. Here's a clue as to who I am - that I have to recognize as such, I guess. I didn't go because there was no way I could without hurting my friend Michelle's feelings. I love her, Michelle, and always will, and I'm definitely not going to be writing today long enough to discuss my relationship with her though. But for now, we were kind of something for a while, without really knowing what it was, or at least I didn't know, and there was always a sense, again, at least for me, that it couldn't work because fundamentally she has faith in something greater than herself, and fundamentally, I don't, and that is the most important thing in her life. Anyway, instead of some kind of sex with Linda, who I still have this amazing sexual tension with, I hung out with Michelle and May and went home alone.

And the truth is, as much as I don't even want to admit it to myself, if I could have thought of a way to leave without Michelle and May knowing, I'm sure I would have. Even though there were other reasons to not go - at least I remember there being other reasons. Thinking back, I'm not sure of the timing, but I might very well have been in an exclusive relationship - yeah, I'm sure I was. And I honestly can't say that if I couldn't have gotten away with it, if I wouldn't have still gone. I'm glad NOW, I didn't. Even as I'm wondering if I could get together with Linda the next time I'm back.

Right - sorry, all this happened before I moved up and to the left. I'm planning on heading back there at the end of next month for a wedding - and I've hipped Linda to Maddie's writing at this same site and I think Linda will find it arousing, and probably find an outlet before I get there. But she's not seeing anyone, and she's sexy and won't lack for company if she makes up her mind she wants some. So probably, by the time I get back it will pass, and I'll be "good" again, more by default than by actually putting myself in a position where I have to choose. Which clearly isn't as good as I want to be.

Because here's the thing. Well, it's one of the things anyway. O.k., it's something - by which I mean, "more than nothing." I absolutely love my girlfriend. Jennifer. And I should - but I would even if that weren't true. I mean, even if it weren't true that I should. I'm doing a really terribly bad job of saying I don't love her exclusively because I should, or think I should.

Could I be any worse at making myself clear?

I'm becoming more and more frustrated with Jennifer though, as I'm not getting nearly enough blowjobs. O.k., any. Which, having already been married, I've proved I can live without. I DO think a bigger issue is that Jennifer hasn't yet chosen who she wants to be, or decided what she wants for herself. And I'm getting tired of waiting, even while I'm starting to wonder if I'm not preventing her from having to make those decisions. And because I understand that side of the equation less, I'm abandoning it for now to go back to the other thing. I'm reading Maddie, and Jefferson, who has become her svengali, and they both write so well, and now, of course, I'm acutely aware of how different, stylistically, I am as I force myself to not edit, and try to be honest with myself and you about my thoughts. And on top of that, they're having gobs? Oodles? Tons? Acres? I don't even know what the right measure is, but I'll go with LOTS, all caps of paint peeling, on top of the coffee table, in the closet, out of the closet, bed breaking, neighbor waking, all hours of the day sex. Threesomes, fivesomes, usually bi, occasionally straight, always beautifully written sex. All this while I'm feeling lucky to get lucky more than twice a month.

It's not that I'm not attracted to Jennifer, either. She's beautiful. Stunning. Tall. Thin. Beautiful, perfectly shaped breasts. Equally perfect ass. Model beautiful. Face of an angel. But so completely unaware of her sexuality.

I've got a LOT of other stuff to do, gang. I can't make any promises that I'll come back to this any time soon. Or even that I'll be writing soon. I'm going to try to make a habit of it. I think there are some things that I need to work out. And I'm cracking myself up with this "gang" thing. I KNOW no one is reading this. And might never. But please forgive the pretense, if in fact someday, someone, somewhere stumbles across this. As you forgive my typos. I'm sure they're there.

I've gotta go, though. I hope to be back soon.

posted by Colton @ 3:50 PM