You can't go back...

I don't even know where to start

I spent the earlier part of my evening drinking. The part up to now, catching up on the reading.

I apologize for just "disappearing." It unsettles me that Jo has just vanished despite assurances that she's fine. Joy's brief respite also kind of "weirded me out." Maddie went on a brief hiatus, but if she goes missing, I can track her down. If not on her phone, than I could probably find her parents, or a brother. Jenna, after reading her girlfriend's blog, has had her hands a bit full. Jez comes and goes like a will 'o' the wisp still piecing together the bits of her heart recently rent asunder. Marcus is almost posting enough to give me hope he might start blogging, the fucking tease. Viv and TOM can be counted on to say just the right thing at just the right time. Jefferson continues to bleed quality on what must be a daily basis - I don't even know how that is possible. Meg reaches through both the phone and the web to give my heart the gentle tug it doesn't even know it needs, but longs for all the same.

So here's the thing. Well, maybe not THE thing, but certainly A thing.

I hope to all the things that are important to me that none of you depend on only me the way I depend on all of you.

I am reliable. People who know me well know that if they need something, really, can't live without it, I'll do what needs to be done, pleasant or not. I take it as a point of pride, even though I know that kind of reliability also makes me predictable, and consequently more boring and less mysterious. So be it. Apparently, it's who I am.

And I'm really taking the long way around to say this. I've come to count on you. Marcus doesn't have his own blog, and while I hate to admit it, I don't read all of you all the time. But I take more comfort than I'd imagine you would guess, even if you really thought about it, in knowing that you're out there. Out here, really.

Meg sent me the briefest of notes asking how I was doing with all the company I'd had. Darlin'? Great to see 'em. Great to see 'em go. I love all of them, differently than I love all of you. And I was so glad to see them go.

Part of the difference though, in how I love all of you, is this. I can have you all on my terms.

I'm not saying I wouldn't have you on other terms, because I for each of you, I'd make some compromises. What would I NOT do for Madeline, for instance?

I get the sense I'm rambling a bit. It happens.

Cliff's notes? Please keep writing. I'll try to do better. I've missed you. I'm really glad I found the time to catch up with you. I'm warm thinking that everyone seems to be hopeful about the possibility that summer brings.

On my end, I hope that within a week of this night, I'll have made the time to stop lurking and commenting and actually post something.

Until then,

Good night, gentle folk. I appreciate you.

posted by Colton @ 9:56 PM