You can't go back...

Bleeding...

The pieces of me that I've cut out and put on display here have gone, until recently, un-missed from the life I still mostly think of as "real."

But I think the jig is up. Well, not up. But I've been thinking a lot over the past few days. I think a lot anyway, but seem to do so at a speed that allows me the luxury of it not interrupting my normal routine. I can discuss things with people, work, write, read, eat, breathe, screw, walk the dogs, all of it without interruption from my internal monologue. No brow furrowing, or awkward pauses in coversation while I'm internally absorbed in wondering how my friend is doing with her pregnancy, or what I would do if I won the lottery, or if Russia will emerge from the current detritus that is their economy to again be an important figure on the world stage.

Most of the time.

But more than twice yesterday, I think, and once for sure the day before, Jennifer asked me if I was o.k.. It's true, I was tired, and probably looked it. But that's not terrifically unusual. I'm not much of a sleeper. I like waking up feeling refreshed - but I'm one of those people who always feels like I'm missing something while I sleep. It's why I stayed out of New York City until 5 years ago. There's too much there that I'm interested in, and it NEVER FUCKING CLOSES. I know myself well enough to know that I would just stop sleeping.

And I'm pretty sure that can't be good on a long-term basis.

But it's not that. And while I'm sure we could both agree that Jennifer doesn't know me well, and that I'm fairly difficult to know, in general, our relationship has allowed her a decent feel for knowing when something is up.

It is.

I'm wondering what I'm doing.

I like being "Colton."

It's a part of me. One part of me.

I think what I'm trying to sort out is, how much of a part. And how important that part is.

Will it always be a part of me, or is it just a phase?

I don't think it's a phase.

I don't want to give it up.

I want "Colton" to be an "out" part of me.

I can't stop what I still think of, mostly, as my "real" life from bleeding into "Colton's" writing. To date, though, I have not let any of "his" blood seep through into "my" life.

But I can see it coming.

And I already know that a small part of me that gets bigger by the day doesn't really care.

Because I won't ever apologize for who I am.

posted by Colton @ 12:43 PM