Friday, May 20, 2005

Bleeding...

The pieces of me that I've cut out and put on display here have gone, until recently, un-missed from the life I still mostly think of as "real."

But I think the jig is up. Well, not up. But I've been thinking a lot over the past few days. I think a lot anyway, but seem to do so at a speed that allows me the luxury of it not interrupting my normal routine. I can discuss things with people, work, write, read, eat, breathe, screw, walk the dogs, all of it without interruption from my internal monologue. No brow furrowing, or awkward pauses in coversation while I'm internally absorbed in wondering how my friend is doing with her pregnancy, or what I would do if I won the lottery, or if Russia will emerge from the current detritus that is their economy to again be an important figure on the world stage.

Most of the time.

But more than twice yesterday, I think, and once for sure the day before, Jennifer asked me if I was o.k.. It's true, I was tired, and probably looked it. But that's not terrifically unusual. I'm not much of a sleeper. I like waking up feeling refreshed - but I'm one of those people who always feels like I'm missing something while I sleep. It's why I stayed out of New York City until 5 years ago. There's too much there that I'm interested in, and it NEVER FUCKING CLOSES. I know myself well enough to know that I would just stop sleeping.

And I'm pretty sure that can't be good on a long-term basis.

But it's not that. And while I'm sure we could both agree that Jennifer doesn't know me well, and that I'm fairly difficult to know, in general, our relationship has allowed her a decent feel for knowing when something is up.

It is.

I'm wondering what I'm doing.

I like being "Colton."

It's a part of me. One part of me.

I think what I'm trying to sort out is, how much of a part. And how important that part is.

Will it always be a part of me, or is it just a phase?

I don't think it's a phase.

I don't want to give it up.

I want "Colton" to be an "out" part of me.

I can't stop what I still think of, mostly, as my "real" life from bleeding into "Colton's" writing. To date, though, I have not let any of "his" blood seep through into "my" life.

But I can see it coming.

And I already know that a small part of me that gets bigger by the day doesn't really care.

Because I won't ever apologize for who I am.

20 Comments:

At 3:53 PM, Blogger Jefferson said...

You are one of us now.

Are you contemplating a walk "in the flesh," as Colton?

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 4:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 4:21 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 4:27 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 5:06 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Jefferson said...

I wonder where we can find some photos of Chaudes?

 
At 6:00 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger Jenna said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger Jenna said...

Wow Colton...this is a very raw, honest and revealing post. Very nice. Thanks for letting us take a peek into your brain.

Sometimes when you start to change - you get to a point where you can't keep it all stuffed inside anymore. People who thought they knew you realize that something is different and they may not know you as well as they thought they did.

I know. I'm there too.

Jenna

 
At 6:42 PM, Blogger chaudes said...

mmm...well
I have posted some of
my photos here

 
At 11:01 PM, Blogger Viviane said...

Oi! Comment spam!

 
At 9:58 AM, Anonymous suzannahm said...

Colton..I am there too...maybe a little behind you...I enjoy your blog and your posts very much.and struggle with some some similar questions.

 
At 11:34 PM, Blogger Jezebelle said...

Just let him out baby...you'll feel a lot better ;)

 

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